Care To Indulge in Some Chocolate Covered Felis Catus!?

I was reminded this morning of an event that happened way back in late 1982 or early 83. My youngest daughter was 2 at the time of her foul deed. This particular Sunday morning she had managed to get out of bed without making so much of a whisper of sound. The end result of this stealth like activity was horrifying yet hilarious all rolled into one. Kind of like finding a large hairy spider laying on the pillow next to your head only to discover it isn't real...just a harmless practical joke. Perhaps not the best example..but you get what I mean.

 We stumble into the living room to find our two year old covered in chocolate syrup. A quick scan around the room reveals our poor cat...also covered in chocolate syrup. On closer inspection, we realize that our daughter...our baby girl has not only shared the Hershey's with the cat...along his spine she's cut out large chunks of fur practically scalping the poor thing's leg!! 

Holy hell. WHY did the cat let her do this? He was either the best behaved cat in the entire world...was so dumbfounded by what she was doing to him he couldn't move...stoned on catnip...or just plain stupid!! 

This could have been so much worse! Our daughter could have gone out the front door and hitched a ride to New York (she's always wanted to go there), the cat could have shredded her beyond recognition..or we could have been the objects of her evil doing and found ourselves waking up covered in chocolate syrup and most of our hair stuck to our pillows!! We never have figured out why. She was so young and had no reasonable...or understandable answers for us.

  

The Dreaded Garbonzo Bumble Bean!

I had to write this down before it completely escaped my memory. After years of working in the industrial/manufacturing field my hubby has lost some of his hearing. Personally I believe it's a combination of work and age, but he prefers the work excuse.

During the summer he sits directly beneath the large A/C window unit we have in the living room. It's very LOUD so between that..the tv and the pedestal fan he has blowing on him I have to raise my voice to be heard.

This afternoon we are watching the PDRA drag races live online. Of course he cranks up the volume when the cars launch down the track. 

One car in particular was pointed out as having a new black and yellow paint scheme. I told my hearing challenged hubby that "IT LOOKS LIKE A BUMBLE BEE"!! He says "WHAT...DID YOU SAY IT LOOKS LIKE A GARBONZO BEAN"?!?! Good gawd. I tried my best to stifle the laugh...but the pressure was to much and unless I wanted to piss my pants and blow snot out of my nose simultaneously ..I just let the laughter fly.

Skeeter Gangs of New Orleans!

Hubby and I are eating lunch and watching the Weather Channel. They're interviewing victims of Hurricane Isaac and some of the people there to help..etc. One of those persons interviewed mentioned how hot and humid it is now that Isaac has chosen to move northeast. 

Hubby and I start discussing the mosquitoes in the deep south right now. I mentioned that they were probably as big as our dog and roaming the streets in gangs looking to attack unsuspecting citizens. The better half goes on to talk about gun or knife totin' skeeters ambushing humans...holding them down while the others have their way with them. My dear sweet husband kinda ran off the rails when he started talking about what the skeeter gang members would be wearing! Carrying guns and knives is one thing, but actual clothing? I'll give him bandanas, but that's it. 

It's almost unimaginable that there could be anything more horrifying than a gang of thug mosquitoes...until you encounter...

THE WEST NILE SKEETER!!!

 

Tomato Spiders!

Over the years our Daddy told us many stories of his childhood many times. This was ok because most of the stories were hilarious and that particular trait doesn't get old. 

One such story still brings a smile to my face. It's the tale of the tomato spiders. Now whether or not this is true, we'll never know and honestly, I don't care.

According to Daddy he was very afraid of spiders as a toddler. Whenever "Nanny", his Mom, had to go outside and do laundry and other assorted chores, she would put him in a room and line the entrance of the doorway with dried leaf tops plucked from tomatoes! This "spider" barrier kept him safely trapped in the room while she was outdoors.

If you ever get a chance, look at them. Once they have dried and turned brown they look suspiciously like spiders. Like I said, can't say for sure if this is true or pure crap. Daddy had a knack with telling stories and true or not, they were wonderful!


 

Sign of The Times...Or Something More Sinister?

So, hubby and I are on yet another one of our many journeys to Wally World and we notice groundhogs here and there grazing alongside the "big road".

For the most part they looked well fed and happy in their business of munching on the state maintained salad bar in the medians.

We catch a glimpse of one groundhog that causes hubby to remark "look at that raggedy groundhog". That's all it took to get us started on the possible history of this unfortunate woodchuck. We decided that based upon his disheveled appearance he must be homeless. We're fairly certain he prospered at some point in his life but had obviously fallen on hard times. While the others were lounging in the more lush areas of the highway, "Homeless" was off by himself in the sparse patches of greenery.

Maybe, just maybe he wasn't homeless due to the economy. Perhaps he has a criminal background and has been shunned by groundhog society. Banished from the normal life of the woodchuck world? Finally, this groundhog could have been a complete fraud. To lazy to work he prays on the sympathies of his fellow woodchucks who in turn bring him nuts, berries and an occasional plump grub. It's all in our twisted imaginations.

Watch Out For The Sandpacker Snakes!

Years ago my daughters and I traveled from NC to AZ, our home state. While visiting my Dad we all decided to take a walk to the local pizza joint and order his favorite item on the menu...stromboli.

As we're trudging along in the heat and dust, Daddy tells the girls to be sure to watch out for the Sandpacker Snakes! I know what's coming and am already laughing to myself. The girls are falling hook, line and sinker for Grandpa's warning and ask "what are Sandpacker Snakes"? 

He tells my girls that the Sandpacker Snake isn't poisonous, it won't bite, but it's very sneaky and travels in pairs. They creep up behind you and one will wrap around your leg. When you bend over to try and get it off, the other one pokes sand up your butt!! They were mortified yet thought it was really funny and typical Grandpa.

Rabid Goose!

We're driving home after a day of once again spending way to much at Wally World when we see a single goose walking along side the road. Odd. We've seen plenty of other wildlife foraging on their own. Good examples would be groundhogs, crows, squirrels, hawks, even dogs and cats...never a goose!

The sight of this single goose got us thinking. Why was it alone? Perhaps its' mate had tried to cross the street and not quite made it? Maybe it just went through a really tough divorce and wasn't in a hurry to find another mate? I even considered it may have been cast out of the flock for being a complete asshole, but that makes no sense. There's an asshole goose in every flock. You know the one. It charges you even though you come with a loaf of stale bread under each arm. So much for that theory.

We've decided that it was a rabid goose. Even though we understand this is completely impossible, just the thought of a rabid goose is hilarious yet terrifying. Imagine the scene at a peaceful pond when suddenly behind you there's a sickening growling/honking! You turn quickly only to come knee to beak with a goose...feathers missing..foaming at the mouth...perhaps dragging one webbed foot behind it!?

After spending more time than we should have on the subject of rabid geese, we turned our attention to an idiot pulling one of those mini-U-Haul trailers. We were in one of two left turn lanes, he was in the other. As the light changed, we turned in our lane and this moron decided he liked ours better and came over, narrowly missing our van. He was oblivious to us.